69

Lincoln: "Guys, you're not gonna believe this! The library's having a contest. We can win an entire night at Spunk E. Pigeon's!" [shows his family the flyer for the contest.]

[Transition to a commercial for the place.]

Announcer: [narrating] "Spunk E. Pigeon's Pizza Palooza Paradise! Starring your favorite video games! Your favorite toppings! And your favorite hits!"

Spunk E.: [metallic tone] "♫Ooh, girl, if I could-♫"

Animatronic Fish: "♫Ooh, girl♫"

Spunk E. and Fish: "♫Give you the world, girl♫"

Announcer: "Spunk E. Pigeon's Pizza Palooza Paradise! You'll lose your mind!"

[End commercial]

Sisters and parents: [excited] "YOU MEAN ALL OF IT?!"

Lincoln: "Yeah! All to ourselves! We just have to read as many books as we can as a family."

Lynn Sr.: "Well, hot dog, kids! We've got some reading to do!"

Rita: "To the library!"

Lisa: [worried] "Uh-oh. My overdue fines!"

[Everyone starts heading out the door.]

Everyone except Lola: [chanting] ""Spunk E. Pigeon! Spunk E. Pigeon! Spunk E. Pigeon!"

Lola: [nonchalantly] "Reading, huh?"

[Lincoln's expression changes to one of shock.]

[The library]

Loud Family minus Lola: [chanting inside] "The library! The library! The library!"

Librarian Wetta: "Shh!"

Rita: [quietly] "Whoops! Hush tones, kids."

Lynn Sr.: "Hut hut!"

[The family spreads out all over the library and goes to get their books. Lisa comes to check out her books while wearing a cowboy hat and mustache.]

Librarian Wetta: [suspicious] "You look familiar."

Lisa: "Oh, uh-" [fake Texan accent] "No, ma'am. I'm brand new to these here parts."

Librarian Wetta: "Hmm...I swear I've seen you somewhere before."

[The rest of the family comes in with a plethora of books to check out.]

Librarian Wetta: [on desk phone] "Emilio, I'm gonna need backup."

[Back home]

Lincoln: "What did you get from the library, Lola?" [Lola shows him a roll of stickers.] "Stickers? Uh, I'm not sure those count as something to read."

Lola: "Hmph. Reading's boring."

Lincoln: "No, it's not. And we can't win the pizza party unless everyone in the family reads at least one book."

Lola: "Well, tough tiaras, 'cause I'm not gonna do it!" [goes upstairs]

Luna: "Dudes, Lola's gonna blow our pizza party! What are we gonna do?"

Lucy: "Easy. We chain her up in the attic and tell the librarian she never existed. Lana just has to pretend she has a split personality."

Lana: "I can do it!"

Lynn Sr.: [unsure] "Seems a little extreme?"

Rita: [shakes her husband] "Honey, there's pizza at stake here!"

Lincoln: "Wait! Maybe there's an easier way. You heard Lola; she just thinks that reading is boring. So we need to help her see that it's not."

Rita: "You're right. That makes more sense." [whispers to Lucy] "Just in case, keep your chains handy."

[The kitchen. Lynn Sr. is reading the cookbook he checked out as Lola comes in.]

Lynn Sr.: [stagily excited] "Whoa! You can make pancakes with just eggs and a banana? Boy, I tell ya, these cookbooks are a nonstop thrill ride. You wanna read one?"

Lola: [with a bowl from the fridge] "No. But when you've made those pancakes, give me a holler. Lola out." [leaves for the dining room]

Luan: [stagily laughing] "This book is a hoot! I'm gonna have to get some ice for my knees, I've been slapping them so hard! Care to read one?"

Lola: "Sorry. Mom says I do too much slapping already. And biting. And shin kicking. And hair pulling." [leaves]

[Upstairs, Lana is fixing up Lola's car with the aid of her mechanic manual.]

Lana: "All fixed! It is amazing what you can learn from these auto repair books. Wanna read one, Lola?"

Lola: "Why? That's what I pay you for." [tosses Lana a sack] "Eight crickets, as agreed." [goes to her room, puts her bowl on her tea party table and sits down.] "Ugh."

[Lucy appears right behind her.]

Lucy: "Hey, Lola." [Lola yelps and falls out of her seat.] "Wanna check out volume one of the greatest romance of all time? He's a dark, brooding vampire. She's a misunderstood girl from the wrong side of the cemetery."

Lola: "No thank you. I prefer Prince Charming to Prince Alarming."

[Enter Lincoln dressed as Ace Savvy.]

Lincoln: "Well, how about volume one of the greatest crime-fighting duo of all time? He's an undercover hero with an ace up his sleeve." [holds up the Ace of Spades on cue.] "His sidekick is-"

Lola: "Ugh! Stop!" [shoves Lucy and Lincoln out of her room.] "For the last time, I am not interested in reading any of your books!"

Lincoln: "We were going about this all wrong! Of course Lola's not interested in any of our books. We need to find ones that are right for her."

[The others agree with that statement. Lola is in the basement steam pressing her dress when Lincoln pops his head out of the mannequin.]

Lincoln: "Hey, Lola! I know you don't want to read about Ace Savvy, but this time I have something that's perfect for you: the Bossy Twins!" [gives Lola a Bossy Twins book.] "They're first graders just like you and Lana, and they solve mysteries!"

Lola: [looking at the cover; snidely] "Do they ever solve the mystery of who gave them those hideous haircuts?"

[Lincoln looks frustrated. Lola is making tea on the dining room table when Lincoln pops up.]

Lincoln: "Hey, Lola, I've got the perfect book for you! It'll answer all of your burning questions about tea party etiquette."

Lola: [scoffs] "I don't have any questions. I'm an expert."

Lincoln: "Oh yeah?" [opens a page] "Do you know the proper serving temperature for Earl Grey?"

Lola: "208 degrees Fahrenheit."

[Lincoln looks it up and, judging by the look on his face, finds out she's right. Lola is now watching TV and Lincoln pops up with another book.]

Lincoln: ""Frankie the Friendly Fairy"?"

Lola: "Pass. I'm into unicorns now."

Lincoln: "Aha! Then you love..." [takes out another book] "..."Unicorn Universty"!"

Lola: "I've already seen the movie. Ugh. That's 99 minutes I'll never get back." [gets up and walks away] "Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta tinkle."

[Lincoln goes upstairs and blocks the bathroom door.]

Lincoln: "Come on, Lola! The contest ends tomorrow and you're letting everyone down! I'm not moving until you agree to read a book!"

Lola:" [reluctantly grabs one] "Fine. Just give me the princess one." [goes into the bathroom and shuts the door.]

[The library]

Loud Family: "WE'RE FINISHED!"

Rita: "The Loud Family would like to report 260 books read."

Librarian Wetta: "Very impressive. The next highest family total is 23, and the contest ends at 5:00." [adds the Louds' name and total to the board in the lead.] "You've got this wrapped up."

[The Louds cheer except Lola.]

Librarian Wetta: "I'll just need you all to prove you read the books by giving you a book-by-book quiz."

Lynn Sr.: [determined] "We're ready for anything!"

Librarian Wetta: [takes Lynn Sr.'s cookbook.] "You. Bread crust in a meatloaf: how much?"

Lynn Sr.: "Half a cup!"

Librarian Wetta: "Very good!" [takes Lori's mystery novel] "You! Twist ending! Go!"

Lori: "So, it turns out it wasn't even a student running the blog, it was a teacher! And he literally tried to frame Gabby with a laptop in her-"

Librarian Wetta: "That's enough. Very good." [takes Lily's book on animal sounds.] "Now, what does the cow say?"

Lily: "Moo!"

Librarian Wetta: "Very good!" [takes Lincoln's Ace Savvy book.] "Ace Savvy's real name?"

Lincoln: "Spade Nifty!"

Librarian Wetta: [with Rita's book] "What time was Mr. Darcy's party?"

Rita: "8:00 PM sharp!"

Librarian Wetta: [with Lisa's science book.] "Einstein's wives?"

Lisa: [still in her cowboy disguise and accent.] "Mileva, 1903-1919. Elsa, 1919-1936...y'all."

Librarian Wetta: [with Lana's auto repair manual.] "Four-stroke engine cycle consists of-"

Lana: "Intake, compression, power, exhaust!"

Librarian Wetta: [with Luan's joke book.] "Sis boom bah!"

Luan: "The sound made when a sheep explodes!"

Librarian Wetta: [with Luna's rock music history book.] "Mick Swagger owes his entire career to-"

Luna: "Delta blues musician Murky Bottoms!"

Librarian Wetta: [with Leni's fashion history book.] "Fashion began with-"

Leni: "Charles Frederick Worth! First to sew a label!"

Librarian Wetta: [with Lynn's sport history book.] "The greatest of all time?"

Lynn: "Muhammad Ali! Also prettiest!"

Librarian Wetta: [with Lucy's romance novel.] "The night the vampire cried?"

Lucy: "Trick question. He cried every night."

Librarian Wetta: "Well, I am impressed. Clearly you've done all the work. No need to quiz you on the rest."

Lola: "Phew."

Librarian Wetta: "Oh, wait. We missed one family member. That's you, sweetie." [takes Lola's princess book] "Tell me about Princess Martha and what she wore on her head."

Lola: [nervous] "Oh, uh...she was a princess, all right. Oh yeah. It was a crown! She wore a crown. On her head. Crown. Final answer."

Librarian Wetta: "True, but what was so interesting about it?"

Lola: "Oh. Uh, it was interesting 'cause...it was made of...chocolate?"

Librarian Wetta: [puzzled] "Chocolate?"

Lola: [irritated] "What is this, an interrogation?!"

Librarian Wetta: "Little girl, did you even read this book?"

Lola: "No! I didn't read it!"

[The rest of the family gasps.]

Librarian Wetta: "The rules officially say that every member has to read at least one book. Little girl, I'm afraid if you didn't read this book, your entire family is out."

[Librarian Wetta erases the Loud family's spot on the board and they groan at Lola for her blunder.]

Lola: "I told you I didn't wanna do this stinking challenge!" [walks away]

Leni: [devastated] "Huh, so long, Spunk E. Pigeon!"

Luan: "Yeah! I'd like to give Lola a pizza my mind! But seriously, she ruined everything."

Lincoln: "Guys, wait! Remember, Librarian Wetta said the contest ends at 5:00." [checks his watch] "It's only 3:00. We still have two hours!"

Lori: "What about Lola? There's literally no point if she won't participate."

Lincoln: "Leave everything to me. I'll get her to read that book by 5:00."

[The rest of the family is leaving Lola and Lincoln at the library.]

Leni: "You got this."

Lisa: "We'll be back in two hours."

[Vanzilla drives off]

Lincoln: "Alright, what's the deal, Lo? Won't you just read one book?"

Lola: "Ugh!" [mockingly] "Won't you just read one book? No! I won't!"

Lincoln: "Well, why the heck not?"

Lola: "Okay, Lincoln, I guess it's time I told you the truth." [beat] "I just don't like pizza."

[Lincoln suddenly recalls photographic memories of Lola actually liking pizza, such as her eating a slice on the table, tucking a slice into her toy bed like a doll, kissing a pizza box, and fighting Charles over a slice.]

Lincoln: [doubtful] "Yeah, not buying that. I know you don't like reading books, but everyone's counting on you. It's time to be a team player."

Lola: "Well, I'm not moving. So, good luck getting me back in there."

[Lincoln brings Lola inside the library by pushing her on a book cart.]

Lola: [at the top of her lungs] "NOOOOOOOOO!!!"

[Now Lola is on the floor.]

Lincoln: "Alright, you're not leaving until you read this whole book in front of me." [gives her the princess book]

Lola: [clears throat and points the other way.] "BOOKS!"

Lincoln: [turns around] "Where?" [realizes Lola distracted him and ran away.] "Dang it." [sees her running past a shelf.] "Hey, get back here!" [gives chase]

Lola: "I told you, I ain't reading, okay?!" [comes to a dead end]

Lincoln: "I have you now!"

Lola: "Like heck!" [attacks Lincoln]

Lincoln: "What is wrong with you? Is it that hard to read one measly book?!"

Lola: "Yes, it is!"

[The fight stops]

Lincoln: [surprised] "Wait, what?"

Lola: [sad] "It's too hard for me to read, so I never do. Don't you think I wanna read about American princesses and unicorns and the Bossy Twins, even if they have terrible hair?"

Lincoln: "What if I helped you?"

Lola: "Are you sure? I'm so slow. And we don't have much time. Doesn't it end at 5:00?"

Lincoln: [looks at his watch to see that it's now 4:00pm.] "We'll get through it together. And you'll see, the more you read, the easier it gets. Come on, sis. I'll show ya."

[He takes Lola to show her how to read.]

[The library's study room]

Lola: [trying to read the book] "O-o-once...yew..."

Lincoln: "You got it! Once uh-puh..."

Lola: "Upon! Once upon a t-t-t...okay, this word looks weird."

Lincoln: "Sound it out. There's the T, so "tuh". Then I..."

Lola: "Tuh...I...oh, time! Time! Once upon a time."

[Lincoln looks at the clock to see it's a quarter to 5:00. Soon, the clock changes to 5:00pm, the deadline.]

Lola: [still reading] "And-and..." [sees the time] "Oh, Lincoln, it's 5:00 o'clock! What are we gonna do?"

Lincoln: "Don't worry about that. Let's finish reading."

[Later]

Lola: [reading] "And they lived hap-pee-lee...ever..." [gasps] "Happily ever after! The end!" [closes book] "I can't believe it! I read a whole book!" [hugs Lincoln] "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!"

[They step out of the study room.]

Lincoln: "So proud of you, sis."

[The rest of the family is right there angry for missing the deadline.]

Luna: "Lincoln, it's 5:30! The contest ended half an hour ago!"

Lincoln: [taking blame] "Totally my fault. It's just so quiet here. I must've fallen asleep."

Lori: "Well, you literally blew it."

Lynn: "Lincoln, you lost the contest for all of us!"

Lincoln: "Yeah, I know."

Lola: "Wait. Stop, Lincoln." [to the family] "This is my fault. He spent the whole time helping me to read, 'cause, well, it's hard for me. But I like it now. And I'm going to keep practicing because it's not as hard as I thought!"

[The rest of the family apologizes and forgives Lola.]

Lana: "We're so sorry."

Lola: "It's okay. I'm sorry I cost Spunk E. Pigeon for you guys."

Rita: "Aw, sweetie, that doesn't matter now."

Lisa: "Yes. The important thing is that you're now able to enjoy the wonders of literacy." [takes off her disguise]

Librarian Wetta: [furious] "I knew I recognized that voice! The one with the fines!"

Lisa: [aware she's busted] "Peace out!" [flees]

[The Spunk E. Pigeon commercial is playing again.]

Spunk E. [metallic tone] "♫Ooh, girl, if I could-♫"

Spunk E. and Animatronic Skunk: "♫Ooh, girl, give you the, world, girl♫"

Announcer: "The fuzz-a-rockin' explodaganza appears every six minutes!"

[The family is watching it]

Leni: "You know, this commercial is so realistic, I totally smell pizza."

[They all sniff around and find the smell to be coming from Lola's room which is packed with toy ovens. Lola is in a chef's outfit and reading one of her dad's cookbooks.]

Lola: "Hey, guys! Now that I can read, I thought I'd make us all some pizza! Pepperoni's in the oven, and next up is..." [looks at the book] "...pineapple!"

[The timer goes off much to the family's delight. Later, everyone is eating Lola's pizza.]

Rita: "Well, isn't this just great?"

Lincoln: "Just as good as Spunk E. Pigeon's!"

Librarian Wetta: [off-screen] "GET BACK HERE!"

[The family looks out the window and notices that Lisa is running away from Librarian Wetta.]

Lisa: [cackling] "YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME, WETTA!"

Librarian Wetta: [giving chase] "YOU OWE ME $50,000!!!"